It's great catching up with our old Bachelor friends. Krystal has learned to talk like a normal human. Wills is still wearing funky shirts. Wills, Wells, Potato, Potaaato, I'm starting to get confused here, but I shall continue. Kendall is still quirky as ever and we are finally getting to know Grocery Store Joe. To be honest, it doesn't seem like there's all that much to him but he is adorable and seems sweet. He's the labrador retriever that Jordan claims to be, but Jordan is a small poodle. Speaking of Jordan, seems like not much has changed with him. He still thinks his face, his professionality and the fact that he can walk and talk make him the greatest thing since sliced bread. I have a feeling that this isn't going to end well for Annalise, but she is scared of dogs so there's that. Now she can add male models to her list of fears along with furry friends and bumper cars.
I am just going to touch on some of the other people before getting down to the juicy tomato (Tia and Colton obviously). Who on earth is Angela? Who on earth is Nysha? Although, I love that they refer to David as "former chicken" i am very surprised and upset that he does not fall off a bunk bed during the opening theme song. After all, it's almost paradise - not actual paradise and there are in fact bunk beds. One thing David has taught us is that bunk beds can be dangerous even for grown ass men. Additionally, it seems that David's main purpose in life is to cock block Jordan.
I don't get Chris. Sure, he looks like Danny from NKOTB and I looove NKOTB though not going to lie, Danny was always my least favorite. Chris had a crazy emotional breakdown on Becca's season and reminded us all of Chandler's creepy roommate on Friends.
Still, his heartfelt apology on Instagram was nice and I was ready to give him a chance. I'm kind of over that. Judging from how nuts he is being towards Colton and the dramatic previews that imply he will ditch Tia for Crystal...Chris is just not my cup of tea. He is like overly emotionally chamomile tea and I'm a peppermint kind of girl.
Speaking of Tia...here we go. Tia has been getting a TON of hate on social media and I am totally opposed to any type of online bullying so I'm going to try and be as nice as possible keeping in mind that I don't know Tia in real life, she is a human being, and she's never done anything that is actually awful. Maybe because she's Raven's friend and southern, I expected to love her because I really enjoyed Raven. First, Tia threw young Bekah under the bus on Arie's season. It was kind of a dick move, but it's not like she murdered my cat.. Then she told Bachelorette Becca to go for it with Colton in the beginning of their relationship and then took that back and said she had feelings once they were much more serious. Again, kind of a dick move, but no furry friends murdered. On Paradise she's just been insufferable. I'm all for girls standing up for themselves and refusing to be strung along, but if I were Colton I probably would have told her to stick that rose up her arse. Ridiculous ultimatum's are not the way to a man's heart.
Although Tia informed Colton that no one else wanted him there and if he didn't commit to her he would be doomed forever, in a crazy twist of events, Bibiana gave Colton her rose!! I love Bibiana cause Bibiana gives zero fucks. Also, her uterus is ready for some action and that is a direct quote.
I've honestly been looking for reasons to not like Colton. It seems like there are things he could have been more upfront about. I feel like his relationship with Tia was more than just one night. Perhaps he does find himself attracted to girls in the public eye whether it's Aly Raisman, the Bachelorette or a girl who was most likely going to be the Bachelorette before Arie pulled the old fiance switcharoo. Perhaps he wasn't on the show for the right reasons, but let's be honest...is anyone? I assume most contestants figure they have a slim chance of getting engaged, but have a high chance of being able to quit their 9-5 jobs to promote gummy vitamins, fabfitfun boxes and start their own podcast. Best case scenario, they happen to make some friends and maybe even fall in love. I'm sure most or all are somewhat open to that, but they are really in it for the potential podcast opportunities.
Colton is kind of like a mythical unicorn. He is a hot athlete who is also a virgin! He has a foundation dedicated to helping kids with Cystic Fibrosis! He takes many, many pictures with adorable puppies. He really did seem to have genuine feelings for Becca and his reaction to seeing her in Paradise confirmed that for me. I really don't blame him for wanting to go on Paradise, have fun, get over his heartbreak and increase his chances for Instagram sponsorships. I felt like he was pretty upfront with Tia. He wasn't stringing her along telling her one thing in private and then sneaking off with the mysterious Angela behind her back. He basically told her he didn't know what he wanted, which in guy terms means I'm just not that into you. I do not think he deserved the wrath of Tia and he definitely did not deserve the wrath of the three stooges (Chris, Jordan and some guy named Nick who I also don't have any recollection of).
I'm sure Tia is a nice person. She is beautiful and I truly hope she finds love and happiness. I just don't find myself actively rooting because she's not the most...how do I say this...likeable. There, I said it. Maybe Colton wants to be famous, but he also helps kids with Cystic Fibrosis. We know he's not planning to sleep with every girl in Paradise. It takes a lot for a guy to admit they are a virgin on national television. I think that speaks to his character and I give him credit. I believe he did fall in love with Becca and he deserves to go to Paradise and have some fun. As he said, he and Tia had like one or two dates and he doesn't really owe her anything. He's not pulling a Dean and being shady, he has been totally upfront. He wants to keep the door open with Tia, but he's not ready to commit to anyone and I don't fault him for that. I LOVE COLTON, COLTON WILL YOU ACCEPT MY ROSE!
Sorry, that just came out.
OK, where was I? Ah yes, Colton is a magical unicorn and I want to wipe his tears and feed him scallops from Scallop fingers leftover container. I miss scallop fingers, I hope she returns. I also hope Sarah Hyland makes a visit to paradise because she and Wells are the cutest couple everrr. Seriously, they are goals.
Paradise is like the wind. It's constantly changing. People come and people go. Relationships start quickly and end even more quickly. Thank goodness it's on again tonight because clearly i'm very invested. Who will be the next Jade and Tanner/Carly and Evan? Will Jordan find love with someone other than himself or will David continue to cock block him? Is David safe from the danger that is bunk beds? Will Annalise be forced to ride in a bumper car with a labrador on her next date or is she destined to leave Paradise broken hearted? Will Grocery Store Joe finally get his happy ending? Can't you just see him and Kendall owning their own little farm with a grocery store and tons of stuffed taxidermy animals roaming around? Well, I guess stuffed dead animals don't actually roam, but I think you can grasp my vision. And finally, Will Tia and Colton be the next Jared and Ashely I? After years of tears, will they/won't they and a stint on Winter Games where Tia meets someone else, will Colton finally realize his undying love for her? Or is the end of Coltia (look I shipped them) forever?
Only time will tell, but I'm sure this season will be the most dramatic one ever because they always are.
PS Marry me Colton. I know I don't know you and I'm not famous. But I'm a publicist who represent famous people. I used to frequent the Playboy Mansion and I have a very cute rescue dog named Simon.
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