The internet is a very dark place right now. It's mind boggling. When I used to think about the term bullying, I thought about middle school and high school. Movies like "Cyberbully," "Odd Girl Out" and shows like "Thirteen Reasons Why" basically depict all of the reasons I'm constantly thankful that social media really didn't exist during my teenage years.
You think that when you become an adult, you are free and clear. We grow up, we mature and we learn how to be comfortable in our own skin. Lately, I've learned that middle aged adults can be far more cruel than kids.
I also once thought that famous people didn't really have a right to complain. Lack of privacy and a few haters didn't seem like a high price to pay for getting paid tons of money to do what they loved, having millions of adoring and fans and traveling around the world in private jets. That said, actors like Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts began acting long before there was social media and paparazzi hiding in bushes. I imagine they entered this industry due to a genuine passion for their craft as opposed to people today who have an idea of what they are in for and especially people who are famous for being famous and documenting their lives on television. Either way, vicious bullying and constant online attacks are NOT OK.
I started watching Youtube for makeup tutorials. To me Youtube was about learning new things from how to cut a crease to how to change a tire. I would be watching my favorite Youtube beauty gurus and I'd be shocked at how many hateful comments they would receive and for no reason! Thinking someone's foundation is patchy, their voice is too nasally or their eyeshadow is not blended is not a reason to call someone a disgusting bitch. Yet is happens all the time. Beauty guru Amanada Ensing put out a video this week and I'm going to link it below because I really love and agree with everything she says.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvFqoCtOPXc
I have one client who has been bullied and abused his entire life. I've worked with this client for a few years and I've known him even longer. I've received a lot of comments calling me unprofessional for defending him (and myself) on social media, for my own social media accounts and basically for existing. When you work with someone very closely, you become friends. You share weddings and birthdays, you meet each others family, you speak most days. It's quite common to see celebrities out with their "team." Publicists now often appear on reality show and some even have their own reality shows. Does that make them unprofessional? The world has changed a lot, but one thing that hasn't changed - if you are happy with yourself you won't feel the need to judge someone else.
The reason the "unprofessional" comment gets to me more than the others (and I've been called every derogatory name in the book by these people) is because I do agree with them about engaging. As a publicist, I shouldn't engage. I advise my clients not to engage. It only adds fuel to the fire and nothing good ever comes from it. Giving these people the satisfaction of a response is exactly what they want. Logically I know this. As a publicist I know this. As a human being, it's fucking hard.
Imagine being attacked online everyday. Imagine seeing people you care about being viciously attacked everyday. That's actually sometimes even harder then when it's you. They are saying horrible things, false things, things that could destroy careers and even lives. As a human being, sometimes you get pushed past your limit even if your limit is high. Sometimes you are going to fucking respond.
Celebrities having their own social media is a double edged sword. On one hand, it gives fans the opportunity to directly interact with their idols. It allows the public to feel like they know these people and get glimpses of their lives and their thoughts. As a publicist, it can be a nightmare. As "reps," we are used to speaking on behalf of our clients. I've never been the type of publicist to really spin something and I would never lie. I believe if you make a mistake then you should own up to it, apologize, say you will do better and then actually do better. Yet, I'm all about taking time to respond to things with a calm and well thought out statement, as opposed to emotionally responding in the moment. That rarely goes well for anyone, but social media makes it really, really difficult and I'll admit, as much as I hate when clients respond emotionally and in the moment - I get it.
The biggest thing I've learned working with celebrities is...wait for it...they are human beings. They have feelings. They see the awful things you tweet to them. If you saw Bella Thorne at a grocery store would you slut shame her in the parking lot? If you ran into Asia Argento on the street, would you tell her she was responsible for Anthony Bourdain's death and say she deserves to die too? I'm guessing you wouldn't. It's much easier to cowardly hide behind your computer and possibly even a fake account.
At the end of the movie "Odd Girl Out," our heroine finally stands up to her bully. She says "you have nothing that I want." There was one time when I was having a bad day and watching a video from one of the beauty guru's I subscribe to. She was doing a PR haul (many influencers get sent tons of free makeup to test out) and showing all of these amazing new products. She was talking about how she never went to makeup school and basically just learned from watching other Youtube videos. For some reason, this made me mad. I did go to Makeup School. I'm a better makeup artist than she is. I should be getting free makeup and having subscribers. I started typing out a rude comment and then stopped myself because what was I doing? Why was I writing a hurtful comment to anyone, let alone someone I never even met. Here was this girl who seemed perfectly sweet and clearly worked hard on her channel and her content. I wasn't upset with her, I was upset with myself for never starting my own makeup channel. She had something that I wanted, but that was no reason to be mean to her. A week later she put up a video announcing she has cancer.
You never know what someone is going through. They could be battling depression or some other serious illness. They could be going through a divorce or the loss of a loved one. I was so glad I never wrote that comment. From that day forward, I made it a point to only comment really positive things. If I didn't like something then I would either say nothing or unsubscribe to their channel, no hurtful comment necessary.
Last week I read the open letter from Mira Sorvino and many of the brave voices from the Me Too movement pleading with people to stop bullying Asia Argento. We live in a world where a victim of sexual abuse, who just lost the love of her life to suicide, will then be viciously attacked on social media. If that wasn't mind boggling enough, just go to Anthony Rapp's twitter page. A letter from victims of sexual abuse, people who were brave and strong enough to share their painful experiences with the entire world, wrote an open letter asking for compassion. Somehow, people still found the need to respond to that with hate.
In business, I've always been taught that the tone is often set at the top and we have a President who will openly bully anyone who opposes him. Donald Trump is setting the tone for our country and that tone is that it's OK to call people horrible names on Twitter if they do anything you don't like.
I wish I could share with you some of message and tweets my client receives every single minute of every single day. There is an actual group of people who spend their entire days actively trying to ruin his life. They make videos, they plot, they post blogs, they even have bots! Their relentless bullying of him has extended to his fans, family, friends, colleagues and anyone and everyone who defends him. Now you might be asking yourself, who has time for this? Why would anyone spend their valuable time obsessing about a public figure they've never met? I can think of so many better uses of my time. I could binge watch Netflix or take my dog for a walk. I could write a book or go to dinner with friends. I could go to the gym or knit a sweater (well I could learn how to knit a sweater). Literally any of these things would be more productive than being online bashing someone and being so hateful.
The thing I've realized is that they have NOTHING that I want. They must be so miserable and unhappy in their own lives to feel this need to bring others down to feel better about themselves. They are getting some attention and for some, negative attention is better than no attention at all. I imagine them to be really lonely and it probably feels nice to be part of something - even if that something is a mission to hurt other people. They don't know that I work my butt off at my job and have spent years developing relationships in this industry and proving myself. They don't know that I rescue dogs in my free time or have the most amazing family in the world. They don't know that I would NEVER align myself personally or professionally with an individual who I didn't respect or believe in. They don't know anything about me. They don't know anything about my client either because everything I've ever seen them say is completely and 100 percent false.
I hope someone reads this and realizes that if you are being bullied you are definitely not alone. Some of the most famous, talented and beautiful people in the world are being bullied every single day. It's because people are jealous. It's because you have something that they desperately want. If you are reading this and you are a bully, I hope you have a moment like the one that I had when I stopped myself from posting that mean comment on Youtube. If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, I hope you realize that it's also not OK to say online. I hope you find happiness and instead of using your time to hate on others, you use your time to try and love yourself.
I can't promise I'll never engage again because I'm human and sometimes it's impossible not to defend yourself and the people you care about. I can promise that I will always carefully choose my words and think about how they will affect others. I can promise that I will NEVER actively or intentionally try to hurt anyone else's feelings. I hope with all of my heart that one day social media can be a happy place again. A place where we reconnect with old friends, meet potential husbands and share funny memes.
